EMOTIONAL MOSHPIT!

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Hah, what's up my niggs?
Anyhow, shit's consisted of trying to get back with Deeda, then giving up on it, then talking to this really sweet girl Jessica who's on my JOCK TWENTY FOUR SEVEN ANYMORE. And who wants to go to homecoming with me. But I kind of either want to go stag or with someone closer. But she already bought the dress. But AGH. I'm not sure how to let her down easy. I'm not good at this especially since I was the one who asked her but I'm not sure she just seems really shady to me... I'm kind of worried of the turnout on this one. Maybe I'll just have her come down and see where it goes from there. Hopefully that all works out okay.

I love Snopes.com, by the way. It amazes me.

I played runaway again this past sunday, that was fun shit, my mom told me to fuck off and make sure i grabbed everything I wanted when I left because she was getting rid of the rest of it and to make sure i left my phone and if i broke it out of spite she would file charges against me for destruction of property. so i left the camper for a half hour, texted her and told her i wasn't coming back, except to grab my meds, school bag and a change of clothes. So i went and got that shit and she's all sobbing and shit and I tried to give her my phone and she wouldn't take it back. So I kept it, went over to Josh's camper, and chilled there until they were about to leave. fucking cunt aunt holly came over and saw me and asked what was going on, and told me my mom left and asked me to come back over then and i declined. so then she came back with my grandma and they both tried to convince me to come back since i had nowhere to go and she was like you aren't staying here or at rachel's or at vicki's they're not options and so i was fucking furious because she wasn't listening to me and i refused to leave with her or my grandma. and so she grabbed my stuff and she said she wasn't taking it because i was going back with them and i refused and took off to the tree. she followed me and took my cellphone, and i went as if going towards rachel's camper, and i saw my uncle jeremy and aunt stacy about two roads over from the one i was on. fucking holly sent out search parties apparently. so i went and hid in the woods. and when i thought everyone was done looking I went into the old softball field and laid down, because I had a cold and I'd spent my entire afternoon running and trekking throughout the woods and shit. I hated that fucking game so I laid there and tried to get myself to, you know, breathe correctly again, and then Rachel's Mom came up on the golf cart and told me not to take off and asked me to go back down and talked to me. Then rachel called her mom and they told me to go to the tree to see rachel. rachel told me everyone left except my grandma and grandpa. so i eventually went back down, and discovered it was about 7ish by now and i had spent the majority of my day playing runaway. the only reason i went back down is because my mom had texted my phone and said she was going to leave the house and i'd go to school until i got the cyber school shit worked out and all this and i didn't want my mom to leave the house so i went back down.
fucking bullshit.
my aunt holly is still apparently mad at me for the way i was acting. it was none of her fucking business. she should never had done all of that. i'm still fuming with her for all of it.

i don't even fucking care.

i start at twenty first century cyber charter on october thirty-first. i'm possibly in an argument with mr. latkey on whether i can still continue band, with NO CREDIT AS A VOLUNTEER TO STAY IN BAND. it's bullshit if he says no, considering kids from other schools are able to be on our teams if their school doesn't have that sports team, and our students could be on other sports teams with other schools if that sport isn't available at our school. oh, i'll fight him on that.
but i still get to go to europe! hahahahaah suck on that one.

i'm escaping middlesex, thank god.

i'm not really sure what to say these days...
like, i'm feeling like i'm FUCKED, hardcore as far as going to college goes. yet, i insist on trying anyway, even though it's going to cost me half of my life in student loans, payments, and debts in order to get about four good years of education for a career that god only knows if i'm going to make it in. even though i want it to work, the music industry is terribly hard to really make yourself stand out in, and god only knows how well i could make myself stand out in that field as it is anyway. i'm not sure. but i still want to try.

and i thought for a split second there, which was why i came on to post, that deeda was no longer single anymore... i don't know, maybe it's a bad idea to look at the myspace these days, even though it shows on this other chick's page Amanda+Her=<3 and she's taken and blah blah blah. i told her i was happy for her if she found someone that wasn't trying to hurt themselves when they were with her or not with her and that wasn't bitchy all the time and whatnot. and then she texted me back and say who the hell said she was with anyone because she's still single.
part of me feels kinda happy for that...part of me is sad that i left her like that. i still feel terrible for leaving her. and i can't believe it's been...almost three weeks now that i haven't been with her. and i really miss it. because i know her and i can really make it if we try. and we still talk. and i'm sure eventually we're going to end up back together. but i'm afraid to push the envelope for fear that she could go find someone and get sick of me and my shit.
i don't know. i'm just tired. and groggy. and sore. i look like i've got a piece of chew in my left cheek from all the swelling. and my jaw's all bruised on that side and it looks like shit. i look kinda shitty. like i got my bangs cut real cool and i put my extensions in to where they like, frame my face really nice, and now it looks pretty terrible because i've got little miss CHIPMUNK CHEEK on one side and sometimes both sides and just BLAHHGGGGGGGG.
and i miss being with deeda.
or i miss being with someone. but particularly her. but i'm not sure it would be right for us to be together again after the shit i put her through with my insecurities and my hurting myself and all of that. but she's getting a handle on her life like she said she wanted to before her and i ended up together again. and i'm getting a handle on mine too, actually. for once. AND OMIGOD A CAT JUST CAME UP ON THE CAMPER PORCH AND I SAW IT AND IT SAW ME AND IT BOOKED IT. THIS CAT JUST HAULED ASS OFF THE CAMPER PORCH HAHAHAHAH.
oh, excuse my ADD.
anyhow. i'm getting a handle on my life as well. school's starting soon, and you know, yeah that'd be hard handling school, job, extracurricular activities, and a relationship all at one time while also planning out college visits and all that fun fun fun jazz. but at the same time, i do so much better with shit when i'm stretching myself to my limits, to the point where most people would snap. i usually thrive under those conditions because i'm best at keeping my mind going at a constant minimum speed of like, 100 bajillion miles per hour, because if i'm too busy focusing my efforts on everything else, i feel great. do you know why? because, dear reader, i am then capable of procrastinating the one really important thing to everyone else, but not so important to myself. i get to procrastinate being alone and having time to actually think on all the things that are going on with me and just me. and all of the stuff that makes me tick. and all of the reasons that i am so terribly messed up a lot of the time.
and i'm not really sure where i'm going with any of this.
i'm just groggy and vicadin makes me terribly awake before it makes me wind down and loopy and sleepy. i don't really know where the hell most of this that i'm typing is coming from. but i figure it's best to work on this instead of working on my honor's english projects while i'm like this for fear that i would mess one of them up REALLY badly. lol.
and. i don't know. hahahahahahahah.

my head feels

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this big. not really, that's just scaled to a much larger size. imagine that being my hands, outstretched away from my face and whatnot. lol.

my brain is like d00d. you're a fuckhead. go smoke and go to sleep.

and i'm kind of agreeing. because the longer i'm awake like this with access to people to contact at this hour, the more i could screw shit up before i even fall asleep. and then have to wake up to that shit in the morning.. which is never fun, the whole waking up and realizing the ruins of what you did the night before.

never fun at all...

ANYHOW. my mouf is painin, children. no soup is in order, nor is any penicillin. i just need to go smoke and then sleep.

but kiddos, i do love all of you that are still my friends right now. and it could be just the pain and the vicadin speaking for me, but i've been really emotional all day anyhow. but i still love you guys. and you know that. and if you didn't, now you do.

i need to finish getting a grip on my life, so i can still have a chance at happiness while it's still in my grasp. heh.

night kidsd.

 um, once i graduate, i think that might be my last summer in pennsylvania for four years. maybe, maybe not. i don't know how it's going to work. but um, the fact of the matter is, the music scene in california is better than the music scene in pennsylvania or ohio will ever be. i'm never going to get a good start or a successful start in pennsylvania or ohio, no matter if i graduate from dana's school of music or not. so, um, after i graduate, there's a good chance that i'll be saying goodbye for at least the four years it's going to take to get my bachelor's degree in music at san francisco state university, or my degree in fine arts at san francisco academy of arts. or even my creative writing major from san francisco state university. i'm pretty sure i'll be going for the music major or the fine arts major, and a big benefit of going for the fine arts is that i'll be going to the same college as deeda. so i'd be at the same school, and probably be able to see her often, even though she's going for a photography major and i'll be going for fine arts. even if i go to san francisco state university for a bachelor's degree in music, i'll still be in san francisco and therefore i'll still be close to her, and we'll see each other more often than if i were to go to somewhere like ysu or westminster, and the way i see it, i'm not rooted to this place. i'm quite frankly not too attached to pennsylvania or ohio. and if my chances at the fast track to a successful career as a professional musician and my relationship will be better in san francisco, then damnitall, i'm going to san francisco for at least the four years of college, or maybe three, then move back if deeda does and transfer my credits to a school locally in pennsylvania or at ysu. but damnitall, i'm making my relationship last because of how much i love her. 
she might end up reading this, and if she does, she does, so be it, the surprise will be ruined. but i'm calling my grandma in the morning because she said she'll be running some errands, and i'm going to ask her to look around and see how much a set of plain sterling silver bands would be, one in size 6 and the other in my size. i think i wear a size 8 in rings, i'm not quite sure. but either way, i'm going to see if she'd buy two sterling silver bands for me and i'll work off the debt at bingo and by doing odd jobs around her house and at camp and shit. because, the next time deeda comes up, it'll be the saturday before our two month anniversary. and with the way we are, and me and her talking about being together for the rest of our lives and us talking about marriage enough as it is, i'm planning on her and i staying up late that saturday night into early sunday morning, and i'm going to sit on that bed at camp and tell her how that was when we started dating two months ago, and that's where i realized i had found my true love and that's where i had realized that i was with the person that i was going to be with until the end of time because i had met my soulmate. and that those feelings were only reinforced when she sat there with me after a week of us dating. and then after three weeks of us dating. and how i know i want to be with her forever, and if she feels the same, then i want to give her this. and show her the rings. and i'll show her hers, and maybe get down on one knee, or maybe not, and i'll ask her if she wants to get engaged and wait until i turn 18 and get married but be engaged for the next two years until we can get married. (which is another benefit of san francisco and living there for 4 years- same sex marriage liscences are legally issued there and we could therefore get married there if we wanted to.) and then i'll pray and plead within my heart that she'll say yes. and if she does, then there. i've found her. and i want to prove to her that i want to be with her forever. and that's what i want to do to show her that i'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together. i don't think telling her that i plan on going to college at san francisco near her would be enough. i want to show her that i'm willing to commit for the rest of my life to her and only her as far as love goes. and that's how i'm going to prove it since we always talk about when we get married we'll do this and when we get married we'll do that. well, there's something to show that it's not an IF we get married, it really is a WHEN we get married type of situation. so there. call it dumb, call it luck, call it love, or whatever you call it. but everwhere i go i keep her picture in my wallet right here. ♥

night everyone.

ima just say fuck it and get silly. cause there's no point in me being all torn up and shit and upset all the time. i'll just get silly. and try to make sure i don't get as pissed as i did today. stabbing and tearing the shit up out of your bed with a few kitchen knives, throwing totes and drawers to the back of my room, and then grabbing some of my shit and leaving. yeah, let's just get fucking silly. cause that shit's pissing me off. me being at home is pissing me off. my mom making me feel bad for her and going home when she came after me pisses me off to. being at home at all pisses me off. forreal. it does. it pisses me off so bad to be at this house and for my uncle to bitch me out about leaving and it all just ARRRGGHHH it all just pisses me off.
so fuck it. get silly.

So listen. Listen to my myspace artist's page. It's definitely worth your time even though the recordings are all currently going to be strictly vocals until I can grasp up Jordan or Dalton to add some background music to the ordeal. But once that happens, everything will be going amazing. Not that despite my Aunt being on her deathbed and everything that things are not going well. They are. I just know that I'm pretty depressed about the fact that she's even worse than they originally thought. She doesn't have much time left I'm sure. And it saddens me.

Which reminds me, when you go to the profile, listen to "Stay Tonight". That song is all about losing her right now. Please give feedback on all tracks that you listen to.

www.myspace.com/xmissxfitx

so check it out dahls.

I've got a love and I know that it's all mine. Whoa, oh oh.

I'm happy today. Mom's awful bitchy. But I don't care. 

Sammi and I just lip synced on a video to Which Backstreet Boy Is Gay. It was pretty amazing.

Hahahah.